The Falkirk dressing room (minus toilets, showers, benches and everything else that was sold) where Campbell Christie addresses his players on what could be a monumental occasion...
Christie: Right lads - its D Day today:
Coyle: Oh no - not more Diving practice - the season is over:
Christie: D for decision ya wally. This is a Mon Yer Mental day for this club. I've been reading up on the great speeches of all time and have decided to quote them extensively. So, I thought I'd impress them with my opening line - "Friends, Morons, Countrymen - lend me your ears" :
Yogi: Sounds daft to me. Is your hearing away ?
Christie: My hearing's fine. I've just got to grab their attention immediately. How about this quote from the bible ? " In the beginning God created Heaven, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And God said let there be light and
Coyle: And floodlights were installed at Love Street ?
Christie: Naw, I was about to say "And there was light" - and you Chairmen can make Falkirk's future brighter. I see I'll have to give this some serious thought.I know, I'll quote King's greatest speech.
Yogi: Ur ye no takin a chance copying the words oh that pervert Jonathan King ?
Christie: Not that King - Martin Luther King. We must impress the Chairmen with our passion, desire and vision for the future. The speech has to be honest, powerful and delivered from the heart - starting with those four famous words:
Coyle: "We want in, right" ?
Christie: No, ya clown, it's "I have a dream" :
Yogi: I suppose that's appropriate given that it is a dream:
Christie: Not when I deliver a speech which goes like this - " I have a dream that one day little wee bairns and little big bairns will be standing alongside little wee bears and little big bears in the Premier League, and that all those little wee bairns and little big bairns who normally turn into little wee bears and little big bears when Falkirk are away from home, will become regular little wee bairns and little big bairns for all Falkirk's games - I have a dream today. And when Mohammed looked down he
Coyle: He probably saw the same wasteland that we see at Brockville. Come on, Campbell, that speech is too confusing.It needs to be shorter I'm afraid:
Christie: You're probably right. Ok, how about "I have looked over the mountain and I have seen the promised land" ?
Coyle: Aye, and we still huvnae laid a brick yet -that won't help our cause, will it ?
Christie: Then what about these words of wisdom from John F Kennedy: "Ask not what you can do for Falkirk, ask what Falkirk can do for you. Ich bin ein Bairnliner".
Yogi: It sounds as if you're saying binliner - they'll think you're talking rubbish.
Christie: Well wha
Coyle: Don't say Well - they'll start showing sympathy towards the Fir Parkers.
Christie: Okay, okay, okay. How about Churchill ?
Yogi: Is that such a good idea ? I mean that wee dog only says Yes,yes,yes,yes,yes and no,no,no,no,no.
Christie: Not the dog you fool, the politician ! "We shall not flag or fail. We shall go on to the end. We shall play them on the beaches, we shall play them on the landing grounds, we shall play them in the streets in the hills and in the fields until our ground is ready - we shall never surrender:
Coyle: Not bad, but too long again. The message we're sending has to be forceful.
Christie: What about " Gonnae let us in " ?
Coyle: I really think you need to impress certain individuals. Why not deliver a quotation at Lex Gold ?
Christie: Lex Gold, eh ? How about another biblical quote: " There came a wise man from the East - for we have seen him star in the East and have come to worship him" :
Yogi: Great boss, that should convince them - now off you go and the best of luck:
Later that afternoon ....
Coyle: Is it good news, Campbell. Will we be playing Premier League Football ?
Christie, Naw - they knocked us back. They even had the audacity to throw a quotation at me:
Yogi: Wit did they say, like ?
Christie: They said: " You may fool all the people some of the time. You can even fool some of the people all of the time - but you can't fool all the people all of the time " .........