Of course, I jest. While the sanity of the powers that be can be questioned at times they aren't quite that stupid. However, it's nice to dream so here's what we'd do if such a situation ever arose - and what we say, rather than the governing bodies, teams or TV companies, goes.
Governing bodies: Do we really need three separate bodies running our game considering we're a relatively small country? No, we don't, so from this moment on the SPL and SFL are no more and we're just left with the SFA. Not that I think they're any better than the other two, they just have the benefit of having a name appropriate for the one body in charge of Scottish football.
League structure: Goodbye 12 team top flight, 10 teams below and so on. From now on the top division has 16 teams. We had considered 18 but I think that may be a step too far at this stage, so 16 it is - with the second tier also made up of 16. Two up, two down and third bottom of the top flight is involved in play-offs with the third, fourth and fifth placed second tier teams. Reduction in games will allow for games to be rearranged and moved for Europe, weather etc. None of this nonsense where teams go on a wee jolly for money raising friendlies after two games.
Below that we'll have regional third tiers with teams brought in from the Highland League, South of Scotland League etc to make up the numbers to 10. They will feed into the second tier league, with a proper pyramid structure in place so that a team could, in theory, go from park football to winning the top flight. Regional leagues have not proven popular when the soon to be out of work bods at the SPL have brought them up, however this will help the likes of Buckie Thistle, Threave Rovers and even our pals at Spartans get acclimatised to things after leaving their localities. Junior teams will be given the opportunity to get involved - if they don't then they longer get in the Scottish Cup.
The three cup competitions will remain with everyone in the Scottish Cup, just the teams in the top two divisions and top regional leagues in the League Cup and the second tier and top regional teams in the League Challenge Cup. The League Cup will return to the days of the 1990s when it was all done and dusted by Christmas. The break of October to February for the semis is ridiculous.
The nonsense that is the 11-1 voting majority required is gone. Each team can vote on what goes in its division with decisions made by a simple majority. All league teams can vote in major league decisions.
Discipline: The SFA finally changed to a simple procedure this year with bans based on the number of bookings, rather than points for different offences. That stays. So too does TV footage being reviewed after games - but this applies to all fixtures to see what incidents have arisen, rather than the moments highlighted by the media. The process will be clear and transparent so we all know what is going on.
Referees who are found to be below standard (not a short list) will be punished by either being demoted or rested for a week or two. Is it fair that players are punished after a game because of something the referee missed while the official gets off scot free? No - and that's no longer the case.
TV: Money to be split more evenly - at the moment the top two teams in the SPL get a far bigger cut than the rest (wonder why that could be?). The gap in prixe money between first and second, second and third and so on will be the same as the gap between 15th and 16th. The TV company chosen to show games will be required to show a bigger number not involving the Old Firm and we will have a highlights package on a Saturday night - not 24 hours later. If BBC Scotland or STV win the rights then the package will be shown across the network. We get Match of the Day so the English can get Sportscene to help boost the profile. Even if it's on BBC3 or at half two in the morning it will work - viewing habits have changed and people are happy to set these things up on Sky+ or TiVo.
Whoever has the rights to the cups will be required to show highlights of all games from all rounds, not just when the big boys enter. The English networks can do it with far more fixtures so why can't we? There will be a minimum of two live games per round per broadcaster (although this can be after the SPL teams arrive), one of which cannot involve an Old Firm team so we don't get a repeat of the thrilling Sunday of Arbroath v Rangers and Peterhead v Celtic. All semi-finals will be shown live - I find it ridiculous that these days one League Cup and one Scottish Cup semi doesn't seem to be broadcast live.
Gate prices: £15 maximum for adults in the top flight, £5 at the very most for kids - preferably £1. £10 adult maximum for the tier below, £5 for the regional leagues and so on. Lots of deals for kids to get them involved.
Marketing & commercial: Marketing and commercial departments from each league to meet once a month to share ideas and come up with new ones - a good idea at one club could be a good idea for others and help benefit them too. One representative from each league to meet on a quarterly basis to allow ideas to be filtered down through the set-up.
Stadia: We all got annoyed at Falkirk's attempts to get into the SPL with Brockville while we built a 10,000 seater stadium - and I still disagree with people who think the likes of Somerset and Cappielow are great wee old grounds. For a visit once every few years in the cup they are fine - not for the top flight. However, the only way you can get the money to have a ground good enough for the top league is to actually play in it. So all the dumps are allowed in - but only the seated parts can be used. If that means your capacity is only 500 then tough, fix your ground! Safe standing areas to be allowed and all top flight grounds must have under-soil heating and no plastic pitches.
Youths: The under-21 rule will be altered slightly. There will be a requirement to have four under-21 players in your squad, including goalkeeper, if you're in the top league. If, however, you pay all wages etc for an under-21 player to go on loan to another club then you only need three under-21s in your squad. So if you have four under-21 players out on loan then you could field a team with no under-21s. Bonuses to be paid for having a set number of teenagers (a system recently introduced) to stop that happening and the reserve league brought back to ease the transition between youth football and the first team. Our youngsters benefited hugely from having Andy Millen playing alongside them, something that can't happen in the under-19s. Bounce games are all well and good but a reserve league provides a bit of competition. Don't want to play in it? Fine - just don't whine when you're players can't get fit!
Here's some ideas we didn't bother with:
Financial regulation: FIFA is trying financial fair play and it'll be interesting to see how it works out. However, I fear any attempt to do this in Scottish football will be quickly worked around by accountants. Salary caps are often mentioned, with the example of the NFL often being used. However, if your demands aren't met in the NFL where are you going to play? Nowhere. If you're demands aren't met in Scotland you go to England, Ireland, China, India or somewhere else. The world's your oyster.
Squad registration: In England clubs are allowed to have a squad with a maximum of 25 players over the age of 21, with a set number of home grown players involved. Waste of time really - our squad barely makes it to 20 over-21 players at the moment and nearly all started their careers in Scotland!
Winter break/summer football: Much called for and we're going to ignore it. It's impossible to judge in Scotland when the weather will be worst - will it be December, January, February or all three? And the weather can be just as bad in the summer. Besides, the climax to the season and the cup final should be in May, not November.
If Mirren Mad ruled the world (well, Scottish football) that's what it would look like. It can't possibly be worse than what we currently have - can it?
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